Shenanigans
by alittlebitwarped
Summary: The Emmett and Jasper Chronicals. When you live forever, what do you live for? Well Emmett and Jasper live for driving the rest of the Cullens nuts. Here is their story. Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight...but I do own horse, her name is Sprite
1. Haha, you said Tit!

**That's right people, I am writting a new story. My other story, Edward vs. Edward (which is near completion) inspired this little story. This is basiclly Emmett and Jasper at their worst. I already have an idea for the next chapter but I won't be updating this for about a week, because of breaking dawn, and I have two other stories going right now. **

**IMPORTANT PLEASE READ: I am not racist and I am sorry if you are offended by this. It is not meant to offend. **

**Personally I don't find this chapter offensive, but I had to write that just incase :**

**Emmett's POV**

I was sitting in AP English and bored as hell. Our class was discussing the book The Great Gatsby. I absolutely hated that book, there was nothing 'great' about it. I looked over at Edward, who was diligently taking notes. God, he was such a nerd. He reminded me of Percy from Harry Potter. Harry Potter, now there's a good book. Why can't we read that instead?

My hand shot up in the air, but Mr. Brown ignored it. So I began waving my hand back and forth until he finally called on me.

"Yes, Mr. Cullen, would you like to grace us with your intellectual insight on this fine piece of American literature?" Mr. Brown sighed.

"Well first off, I would like to say that this book is more along the lines of a piece of crap, than 'great American Literature'. And secondly, I was wondering if we could read Harry Potter instead?"

"Why yes Mr. Cullen, you may read Harry Potter instead. Oh and while your at it, you might want to take a look at 'The Cat in the Hat' too, it is probably more at your level than what we read in this class."

The whole class started laughing and Mr. Brown tried his best to hush them and get back to the book. I looked over at Jasper who was shaking his head at me.

"I think that guy just called me stupid," I whispered to Jasper.

"Well if the shoe fits, dude," Jasper replied.

"You're and asshole."

"You're a moron."

We both started laughing and unfortunately caught Mr. Brown's attention.

"Mr. Cullen, Mr. Hale, would you kindly cease your tittering, and focus on my lesson."

I looked over at Jasper and he looked at me, and we both burst out into to hearty laughter.

"What is so funny?" Mr. Brown asked angrily.

"You…you…" I choked out between laughs "You…said…tit!"

And with that being said the entire class began to roar with laughter.

"Mr. Cullen!"

"Hey man, he's not the one who said it," Jasper defended.

"Mr. Cullen, you have disrupted my class enough for one day, please escort yourself to the office."

With that, I stood up and puffed out my chest.

"Mr. Brown, I have done nothing wrong, and yet you punish me. You Sir, are a racist!" I accused, pointing my finger at him.

"Excuse me?"

Edward was pinching the bridge of his nose, typical, and Jasper was trying his best to contain himself.

"You heard me Mr. Brown, you hate me cuz I'm black."

"Yeah, don't be hatin' on my bro, Mr. B," Jasper said as he stood up next to me.

"You two, office, NOW!" Mr. Brown yelled.

"This is against the law Mr. Brown, sending us to the office based on the color of our skin, right Edward?" I proclaimed.

"Please don't drag me into this," Edward muttered.

Pussy.

"Edward, please escort your brothers to the office," Mr. Brown sighed.

Edward huffed, and got up, and began to push us out of the room, but not before Jasper began to quote the Martin Luther King speech.

" 'I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self evident; that all men are created equal.' " Jasper yelled as we left the class room.

"Emmett! Jasper! What's wrong with you guys, Carlisle and Esme are going to kill you if you get into anymore trouble," Edward whisper-yelled once we were in the hallway.

"Chillax E-dog, we cool we cool," I said.

"Yeah, Eddie, why you all up in our grill?" Jasper asked.

Edward rolled his eyes and walked us down to the office.

We sat in their for about 10 minutes before the principal called us back into his office.

Jasper and I took our usual seats and the principal, Mr. Maher sagged back into his big comfy office chair. You know, I really should be the one sitting in a comfy chair, I mean I'm probably here more than him.

"Alright boys, what did you do this time? Mr. Brown wants me to suspend you." Mr. Maher sighed.

"We have done nothing, but stood up in the name of righteousness! Spit in the face of oppression! Stomped out…" Jasper said meaningfully.

"Wait, you spit on him?!"

"Well metaphorically, yes," I explained.

"You see, Mr. Brown was hatin' on us because were black," Jasper continued.

Mr. Maher just slapped his forehead, and then proceeded to massage his temples. He was soon pulled out of his meditation when Ms. Cope's voice came over the intercom.

"Dr. and Mrs. Cullen are here, Mr. Maher," she said.

"Alright send them in."

"You called the 'rents? Not cool M-dog," I said.

Just then, a disheveled looking, Carlisle and Esme walked into the office. Carlisle looked royally pissed. Today was his day off, and him and Esme were most likely 'doing the deed' when the school called them. Eww. I decided I should try buttering them up. Maybe they would decide not to punish us.

"Mommy!" I yelled as I ran over to Esme and pulled her into a bear hug "When we get home, can we bake cookies together, just you and me?"

Jasper walked over to Carlisle and pulled him into a hug as well.

"Hey Dad, I missed you today," Jasper said.

We both let go of our parents and they gave us a look similar, to the look a cat gives when it has just been dunked in water.

"Dr. Cullen, Mrs. Cullen, please have a seat," Mr. Maher said, after our little family reunion.

Carlisle and Esme took the seats in front of his desk and Jasper and I sat on the couch off to the side. The principal began to explain what happened. After he was done, Esme and Carlisle turned to us with angry looks plastered on their faces.

"This is Emmett and Jasper's fifth offense this week, so we are going to have to suspend them for 2 days," Maher said.

Carlisle just shook his head, and stood up to leave and take us home.

"Dr. Cullen, I have one more thing to discuss before you go."

Carlisle sat back down.

"Ms. Cope," Mr. Maher said into the intercom "Please send in Mrs. Witherbee."

Mrs. Witherbee? The school counselor?

Mrs. Witherbee walked in and took a seat next to the principal. She was a flaky looking lady, who was wearing a sweater that said "I heart kids". Jasper and I exchanged confused glances.

"Hello Dr. Cullen, and Mrs. Cullen, I am Mrs. Witherbee, the school counselor. When students constantly misbehave we look over their files to see if their behavior could stem from a deeper rooted problem. Dr. Cullen, you are the head surgeon at Forks General correct?"

"Yes," Carlisle nodded.

"You must have some very long hours."

"Yes, that is part of the job."

"Hmm, I think I see the problem."

Jasper and I were trying so hard to contain our laughter. This was awesome.

"Dr. Cullen, I think that Emmett and Jasper are acting out as a cry for help. They miss you, and want your attention."

Jasper lost all composure. He put his face in his hands, and his body began to shake with laughter, but Mrs. Witherbee thought he was crying. She rushed over to him and began to rub circles on his back.

"That's it Jasper, just let it out," she cooed.

After about 5 minutes Jasper stopped shaking, and pulled his face up. He looked strait at Carlisle and started sniffling.

"She's right dad," he started "I miss you. I just want you to love me."

I couldn't take it anymore, this was just too much. I buried my face in Jasper's shoulder and began to heave with laughter.

"Oh, Emmett," Mrs. Witherbee said, as she came over to my side of the couch.

Once I gained control I looked up at Esme and Carlisle. Their eyes were wide with embarrassment.

"It's true dad, you are at work so much, and when you have your day off you are with mom, doing God knows what in your bedroom."

Mr. Maher's eyes bulged, and Esme hid her face in Carlisle's chest.

"And Mom," I continued "It is clear you love Edward most. It's all ways Edward this, and Edward that, 'Oh Edward, play the piano' , 'Look at Edward, he has a girlfriend'. I just want you to love me the way you love Edward."

Mrs. Witherbee took this as her cue to interject.

"Wow, we are really making some progress here," she said "Now, I am afraid I am out of time to mediate any more discussion, but I do have a small private practice outside of school counseling that I think you should consider. Here is my card," she said, handing Esme her card "It was nice meeting you both."

She got up and walked towards the door.

"Thank you Mrs. Wtiherbee," Mr. Maher called after her.

"Alright, you are free to go," Mr. Maher continued "Jasper, Emmett, you too may come back to school on Thursday."

We all stood up and left his office and made our way out to the parking lot. There was a heavy silence that hung in the air as we walked. We were silent on the drive home too. But as soon as we walked into the house and sat on the couch all hell broke loose.

"YOU TOLD YOUR TEACHER YOU WERE BLACK?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?" Carlisle seethed "And embarrassing your mother and I in front of the principal like that, what we do on my day off is none of yours or their concern."

"Hey, you too are just mad because we interrupted your sex," I laughed "Plus it was pretty obvious as to what you had been doing before you came, I mean Esme walks into the office with sex hair, and your shirt is buttoned wrong…"

Jasper's phone buzzed with a text. He flipped it open and read it, a look of pure horror coming across his face. He ran upstairs and I looked at Carlisle and Esme. The both had smug looks on their faces.

"NOOOOOOOO!" I heard Jasper yell from upstairs.

I bolted up and into his room where I saw it. At least half of our video games smashed on the floor, along with what used to be our x box and wii. Jasper and I just laid on the floor, mourning our loss.

"Alright boys, enough of this, take your punishment like men," Carlisle said.

"I don't wanna," I replied.

"Come on Emmett, get up, lets go downstairs," Esme said.

"Why, are you going to tell me that Santa's not real, and I have no friends?"

"No, silly, we are going to bake cookies!"

**Good? Bad? Ok? Let me know. If there is anything funny you would like to see these to do, let me know. **

**Now perlease review! **

**Lots and lots of love, **

**Kat**


	2. Horny Drunk

**Hey guys! I am thrilled with the response with this story. The update was somewhat delayed due to Breaking Dawn, but here you go, Chapter 2.**

**Bella's POV**

"Guys, I know I am new to the whole sibling thing, but aren't the big brothers supposed to protect their little sisters from the dangers of alcohol, not try to get them wasted while their boyfriend is away?"

I looked at Emmett and Jasper, who were each holding bottles of hard liquor. They were babysitting me while the rest of the family was hunting.

"Aw, come on Bells, we are just trying to give our little sister a human experience before it's too late," Emmett said.

"Yeah Bella, you know we wouldn't let anything happen to you," Jasper added.

I had to think about this. I HAVE always wanted to get drunk. I mean just to say that I have. And Edward really did piss me off before he left and I know that if he found out that I got hammered then he would be incredibly pissed too. Plus Jasper and Emmett would protect me if I wanted to do something stupid while intoxicated.

"Gimme the bottle," I said, grabbing the bottle of whiskey Jasper had in his hand.

"That's a girl!" Emmett cheered.

I opened the bottle and took a whiff of the amber liquid. It smelled awful. I quickly put the horrid scent out of mind and brought the bottle to my lips. The whiskey burned my mouth and throat. I pulled away and started coughing like crazy.

"That…was…the most….horrid thing….ever," I got out between coughs.

Emmett and Jasper were just chuckling.

"Maybe you should have started out with the vodka," Emmett said, shoving a fifth of vodka at me.

"Yeah, thanks for telling me that now."

* * *

"Jasper!" I shouted "Your hair…it's so soft!" I marveled as I ran my fingers through his blond locks. "How do you do that?"

I was currently sitting on Emmett's lap astonishing over Jasper's hair. Half of the vodka and about a third of the whiskey was gone and sitting on the table.

"I don't know Bella," Jasper said, answering my question about his hair "Maybe it's the shampoo Alice buys me."

"ALICE!" I shouted "OOOHHH, we should call Alice! Emmett! Call Alice!"

"Uh, I don't think that's a good idea right now Bells," Emmett started "You are not exactly sober right now and I don't think that Alice would be too happy."

I was mad. How dare Emmett say that I was drunk.

"You know what Emmett?" I said, hopping off his lap "I am most soberest one here!"

Emmett and Jasper just laughed at me.

"I swear to drunk you guys, I am not God!" I slurred.

My brothers just started laughing harder. But abruptly they stopped. I turned around and the rest of the Cullens were standing in the door way. Edward looked mad. He looked incredibly sexy that way too. His nostrils were flaring slightly, and his bronze hair was wind swept.

"Hey sexy," I said, as I sauntered over to him.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and started to kiss him. He pulled away quickly and glared at me.

"Bella, have you been drinking?" he asked.

**Edward's POV**

I was hunting out in the woods with my family. I had mountain lion in my line of sight, and it would be and understatement to say I was stoked. Mountain lions were a rarity around this area. The family decided to stay closer to home this time.

Just as I was about to pounce I heard my name being called.

"Edward!" Alice shouted.

The mountain lion startled and ran deep into the forest.

"Alice!" I yelled back, incredibly frustrated "I almost had a moun-"

"Edward, it's Bella," she said.

I was immediately in front of her, grabbing her roughly by the shoulders.

"What's wrong?!"

She just smiled slyly at me.

"Well, nothing is _wrong _per say."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Here let me show you."

She closed her eyes and replayed a vision she had had. It was Bella. She and my brothers were sitting on the couch. She was on Emmett's lap laughing like a fool. Then I saw there were two liquor bottles on the table.

"They wouldn't!?" I shouted.

"They have." Alice laughed.

I got the rest of the family together as fast as possible and we all sprinted towards home. On the way Alice told them everything. Rosalie couldn't stop laughing and Carlisle and Esme looked some what amused. How could my family react like this when at home my _brothers _were…were…corrupting my angel!

When we reached the porch we heard Bella drunkenly yell from inside.

"I swear to drunk you guys, I am not God!"

Rose and Alice lost it, and even my 'parents' were lightly snickering.

I burst through the front door and Bella spun around. She swaggered up to me and greeted me.

"Hey Sexy," she said.

My jaw dropped.

She then put her arms around my neck and began to kiss me passionately. I pulled away and looked at her.

"Bella, have you been drinking?"

"Oh yes Edward I have!" she shouted "Here," she walked over to the coffee table and picked up a bottle of vodka "Edward, have some! It's like happy in a bottle."

She was about to take another drink when I rushed over and grabbed the bottle from her hands. She crossed her arms and huffed like a five year old.

"Aw, you're no fun Eddie!" Bella shouted.

Eddie?! She never calls me Eddie. My whole family was in stitches.

"You two!" I seethed, pointing at Emmett and Jasper "You have corrupted my angel!"

Emmett and Jasper stopped laughing, looked at each other, and then resumed laughing even harder.

Bella walked over and plopped back down on top of Emmett.

"You were right Emmett," she whispered in his ear "Eddie is a prude."

I looked over at Rose, who was glaring at Bella.

'What is that bitch doing sitting in my husband's lap?' she thought.

I growled warningly at her.

She walked over to Bella and glowered down at her.

"Oh Emmie!" Bella gushed "Your hair! It's so curly!" she then turned to Rose "How does he do that?"

Rose's face softened, as she picked Bella up off of Emmett's lap and set her down on the floor. Bella frowned. She looked like a lost puppy, until her eyes found mine and her face lit up instantly.

"Eddieward!" she cried.

I walked over to her and put my hand on her face.

"Do you want to go to bed sweetheart?" I asked.

She shook her head.

"Do you want to get something to eat?"

I was hoping she would say yes. Some carbs might sober her up some, but she just shook her head.

"What do you want love?"

She then got up on her tiptoes and put her lips right by my ear.

"I want you," she whispered.

She then flicked her tongue out and caught my earlobe between her teeth. I sucked in a breath.

"Bella," I warned.

Esme and Carlisle had left the room but the rest of my siblings were there and I didn't want her to do anything she would regret.

She ignored my warning and grinded her hips into mine.

I fought back a moan. I felt myself becoming hard and I had to deter her.

"Bella, it is time for bed," I said, with authority.

"Mmm, bed sounds like a great idea," she replied.

All of my siblings were full out laughing. I pulled away to glare at them, but as soon as my attention was off of Bella, she made a bold move. I suddenly felt her tiny hands cup me through my pants. My breathing hitched and my eyes bugged out and she began to rub my…manhood.

"Alright Bella," I started, my voice slightly higher than normal "To bed."

With that, I threw her over my shoulder and ran up to my room. I laid her down on the bed and she looked sleepily up at me.

"Hey Edward," she whispered.

"What is it, love?" I asked, exasperated.

"I think…I think that if I lived in the south…when Edgar Allen Poe was alive…I would do him."

After that being said, Bella passed out. I then, ran back downstairs to have a word with Emmett and Jasper.

When I got down there I saw Jasper hand Emmett a hundred dollar bill.

"See, I told you she would be a horny drunk!" Emmett bellowed.

**I have always wanted to write something like this. So I did :P**

**NOTE: Everything that Bella said while she was drunk has been said before...by me...on the ocassions where I have been drunk lol. And yes, I really DID say that I would 'do' Edgar Allen Poe :P And I am quite the silly...and horny smiles sheepishly drunk, so everything Bella did was based of of me :D (I also have and obession with people's hair when I am intoxicated lol)**

**REVIEW!! Now, go!**

**Your favorite silly/horny drunk,**

**Kat**


	3. The Doctor is in

**Woot! Chapter 3! Enjoy the hilarity that is sure to ensue!**

**Emmett's POV**

"Pretty please Carlisle!" I begged.

"No Emmett, for the last time today is Take your _daughter_ to work day, and last time I checked you were not my daughter."

"But you let Edward come to the hospital with you all the time and he's not your daughter!"

"Yes, but Edward has two medical degrees, and expresses and interest in the world of medicine."

"You just like Edward more than me."

"Now Emmett, you know that is not true."

"No no, it's ok Carlisle, you don't have to defend yourself. I understand that Edward was your 'first born' and will always have a more special place in your heart."

Carlisle sighed. His resolve was wearing.

"Fine Emmett, you can come to the hospital if you promise not to cause any trouble."

"Me cause trouble? Never!"

When we got to the hospital we first had to go to Carlisle office.

"Ok Emmett, you can come with me while I do my rounds."

"Wait!" I yelled.

Carlisle turned around and let out a breath.

"What is it Emmett?"

"Don't I get a doctor coat too?"

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Please!!"

"Will you stop annoying me if you get to wear one?"

I nodded my head.

Carlisle went back into his office and came out with another lab coat. It had 'Dr. Cullen' embroidered on the chest. I am not going to lie, it was pretty tight.

After the coat incident was sorted out we walked down the long hallway and into one of the rooms. There was a bald little boy about the age of ten lying in the bed.

"How are you doing today, Remi?" Carlisle asked.

"Good," the boy replied, clearly annoyed.

"Glad to hear it," Carlisle replied as he checked the boy's IV.

"Who are you?" Remi asked me.

"Hi, I am Emmett Cullen, Carlisle's son," I said happily.

"Oh, well you're ugly."

Excuse me? This little monster was just plain rude.

"Well you have cancer," I retorted.

"Emmett!" Carlisle chided as he pushed me out into the hallway.

"Did you hear what he said to me, Dad?"

"Emmett, I don't care what he said to you, I will not have you harassing my cancer patients!"

"Fine. Can I harass your other patients then?" I sighed.

"NO!"

"uggh, fine then. Take away all my fun."

We finished the rounds and Carlisle went back to his office to do paper work. I sat and watched him. He was about five minutes in when I interrupted.

"Dad, I'm bored."

"That's nice, son."

"Daddy!"

"Emmett, you are little to old to be calling me daddy. Please, I have to get this paper work finished."

"I only call you daddy cause I love you."

Carlisle began to beat his head on the desk.

"Emmett, why don't you go out and visit some of the patients while I do the boring work. Just please please please don't cause any trouble."

"ok." I said, as I walked out the door.

I wandered down the hallway and found a room where all the doctor clothes were held. I took off my jeans and tee shirt and put on a pair of green scrubs. Then I took one of those shower cap things doctors where in surgery and put that on. I also threw on a mask and rubber gloves for the full doctor effect. I really should bring some of this home. Rose and I could do some awesome role playing.

I walked out of the closet dressed like a doctor and began to once again wander the halls until I felt someone stop me.

"There you are Dr. Cullen!" a nurse said "Your needed in surgery."

I was about to protest but she just dragged me down the hall and into the OR. There was a man lying on a gurney and his foot was covered in blood.

"Alright Carlisle," the other doctor who was in the room said "We've got a severe leg wound. This man is in construction and I metal beam fell on to his ankle. We may need to amputate."

I picked up the sheet that was covering the man's bad ankle.

"Aww! Sick, that shit is nasty!" I remarked.

"Excuse me?" the other doctor said.

"Oh, uh, I mean, yeah….we might need to remove the foot," I said.

"Ok Carlisle," he said, handing me a scalpel.

I held the tool in my hand. Well how hard could taking this man's foot off be? It's just like slicing a piece of bread right? I held the instrument up and was about to bring it down, when the real Carlisle came bursting through the OR doors.

"NOOOOOO!" he yelled.

"Carlisle?" the other doctor asked, befuddled "If your there, then who is this?"

I removed my mask and extended my hand.

"Hello, I am Emmett Cullen, nice to meet you."

* * *

**Esme's POV**

I was fixing Bella something to eat when I heard the door open. Emmett and Carlisle were back from the hospital early. I could have sworn his shift ended at 5. Emmett hurriedly ran upstairs, and Carlisle sank down on the couch, massaging his temples. I walked over too him and sat down on his lap.

"What's wrong, dear?" I asked.

I hope Emmett didn't cause too much trouble at the hospital.

"Emmett tried to cut someone's foot off in surgery today," Carlisle explained.

"He didn't?!"

"Oh, but he did. He was trying on the doctor clothes and a nurse thought Emmett was me so she dragged him into the OR."

"Oh my. Did everything get straightened out?"

"Yes, but now I am the talk of the hospital."

"Oh, darling, it can't be that bad. I mean at least he didn't cut anyone's foot off right?"

"Yes, I do suppose that is a plus."

**I hope I had you guys lol-ing :) The response I am getting for this story is awesome! Keep it up!  
**

**Your very sleepy writer, **

**Kat**


	4. IMPORTANT

**Ok, first off I am so so so sorry to be doing this to you guys because all of my readers have been awesome. I have gotten so many reviews and everything and I want you to know that I do apreatiate them very much!**

**But...**

**I will no longer be able to update on a regular schedule. My Aunt is very sick right now and is probably going to die with in forty eight hours. Blood vessles in her brain keep bursting and the doctors cannot do anything to stop it. Also on top of that, I am moving away to start my first year of college in less than a week so I have been super busy. **

**I know that you guys love my stories and I love writing them, but it may be a while before I update. I will try my hardest though. **

**Also I have half of chapter 8 written for Truths and Roses, so I will try to get that one up with in the week. Thank you so much for bearing with me. **

**Your very stressed out writter,**

**Kat**


	5. Faster Edward!

**IMPORTANT: The term 'bug' is used in this chapter. I do not mean the icky bugs out side, I mean the bugs spies and stuff use, like microphones and stuff lol. **

**Jasper's POV**

"Oh, God Edward!" I heard Bella moan from upstairs.

I was in the living room watching TV, while Bella and Edward were doing God knows what on the third floor and I could still hear them. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that Edward finally lost his V card, but this was just getting ridiculous. Ever since they had sex, they haven't stopped. Every single day I hear those two moaning and screaming and the horny-ness coming off of them has pervaded my senses.

"Sweet Jesus, can't those two give it a rest, or at least quiet down?" Emmett said as he walked through the front door.

He came over and sat on the couch next to me.

"We really need to do something about them, Jazz."

"I know, I know. They are driving everyone nuts. I can't even relax and read a book in my room anymore."

We sat for about an hour, mulling over ideas of what we could do to get our message across, when it hit me.

"Oh my God Emmett," I started.

He turned and looked at me.

"I have the most diabolical way to get back at them."

"What?! What is it? Tell me!"

Emmett was bouncing in his seat like a little kid.

"Dude, this plan is so devious. I don't know if we could do it. I mean I might actually feel kind of bad," I lamented.

Just then we heard the happy couple again.

"Oh, God, faster Edward!"

"MMM, Bella you are so tight!"

Emmett and I cringed.

"Ok, never mind, I take it back. My idea is perfect."

Then I began to explain the plan.

* * *

"Are you sure this will work, Alice?"

"Would I ever lie to you, baby?"

"Well this is your best friend we are going to utterly humiliate."

"I know, I know. I love Bella to death, but for once I am on yours and Emmett's side. They really have gotten to be too much. Just when they do find out it was you, please do not drag me into it."

I had to go over the plan with Alice for two reasons. Number one: she would see it anyways, and number two: I wanted to see if it would backfire in anyway. So far, we were in the clear.

The following day we put our plan into motion. While Edward was out hunting with Rose and Carlisle, Emmett and I snuck into his room.

"Ok, where should we put it?" Emmett asked, holding the bug in his hand.

"Here let's put it right here, behind the bed."

"Eww!" Emmett yelled "I am NOT going near that bed."

I sighed and took the bug from Emmett, and taped it behind the head board.

"Ok, let's test it out."

Emmett ran out of the room with the recorder, and turned it on.

"Testing 1 2 3," I said, standing on the bed.

"I can here you Jasper, It works!" Emmett exclaimed.

"This is going to be great."

**Bella's POV**

School was rather uneventful today. Edward and I were sitting in Bio, when we heard the PA system come on.

"Hello Forks High!" boomed a familiar voice.

I looked nervously over at Edward.

"Is that who I think it is?" I asked.

He nodded.

"This is Emmett Cullen," Emmett continued.

"And Jasper Hale," Jasper added.

"Now you might all be wondering what we are doing on the PA system, well you see, we are having a bit of a family problem, aren't we Jasper?"

"Yes we are Emmett," Jasper confirmed.

I looked over at Edward, who had a mortified look on his face.

"Would you like to explain, Jasper?"

"Why yes, I would."

The whole class was looking at Edward and I now.

"Well you see, recently our dear brother Edward lost his virginity."

Edwards eyes bulged out. The whole class was snickering.

"Congrats on that, by the way, Eddie," Emmett added.

"Anyways, well ever since that glorious day where are little Edward became a man, he and his girlfriend, Bella Swan, have been…hmm, for lack of better words, going at it like rabbits."

I buried my head in Edwards chest. Why couldn't the world just swallow me up now.

"Well said brother," Emmett spoke "Anyways, the problem that we have is that our family can no longer enjoy peace and quite because, number one: Bella, no offense, is quite the screamer, aren't you Bella? Aww, Jazz I bet she's blushing. And number two: the only time they are not having sex is when they are sleeping."

Oh. My. God.

"Here is a sampling of what we go through at the Cullen house hold," Jasper said.

I looked at Edward.

"What do they mean a 'sampling'?" I asked.

"I have no idea."

Then we heard a button click and I heard my voice over the speaker.

"Jeez Edward, slow down, we have all night!"

My breathing hitched as I realized what was going on. They had recorded us having sex the other night! I put my head down on the desk, and listened as my reputation went down the drain.

"Mmm, Bella, I don't want to slow down, I want you now," I heard PA Edward say.

I heard the ripping of fabric and I knew what was coming next.

"Ahh, Edward! Don't snap my bra strap."

"Sorry love, these things are so hard to get off, maybe you should just stop wearing them."

The dialogue seemed to go on forever. When it got to the part where we climaxed I nearly fainted.

"Faster Edward!" I heard myself scream.

"UHN, Bella!"

A series of 'Oh God's' and pants followed.

"Ahh, Bella I am so close, come for me love,"PA Edward said.

That's when the recording stopped and Emmett and Jasper came on again.

"Now, Edward and Bella, we love you both," Jasper started "and we are sorry we went to such extreme measures to tell you but, maybe if you two weren't having sex all the time, we could get a word in edge wise."

"Yeah, for real guys, sound proof your room or something," Emmett added.

"Alright, well do you think we are done Emmett?"

"Yeah I think they get the message. But before we leave I have one more thing to say…"

Oh God, haven't they said enough?

"I love you Rosie!"

* * *

Edward took me to his house as soon as the PA announcement was done.

"Do I even want to know what everyone was thinking?" I asked when we were in the living room.

Edward just shook his head.

We sat on the couch in silence for a while, trying to get over the embarrassment. Esme and Carlisle soon joined us.

"You two are home early," Esme remarked.

"Yeah well, you can thank Emmett and Jasper for that," Edward said.

"You don't happen to have a rock I could crawl under by any chance?" I asked.

"Oh my, what did they do this time?" Esme asked.

"The recorded us, having uh…sex, and played on the PA system," Edward whispered.

Esme and Carlisle looked at each other, and then burst out into laughter.

"It's not funny!" Edward yelled.

Carlisle was the first to sober up, "Your right son, it's not funny. Do you know why they did that?"

"They said we were being too loud," Edward said, looking down.

They stared at us for a minute and then Esme was the first to reply.

"Well, you guys are pretty loud."

**Alright. Chapter 5. Pretty Crazy. I got the idea while I was driving lol. **

**If there is anything you guys would like to see, let me know. **

**Lurve,**

**Kat**


	6. Edward, higher than you since 1901

**Um...yeah I am not dead...just haven't updated in like forever and a half. Thanks for all your great reviews I hope you enjoy! **

**Emmett's POV**

"Dude, look what I just scored from some guy in Seattle," I said to Jasper and I threw the baggie down on the coffee table.

"Is that...is that...weed?" he replied.

"The best!"

Jasper just looked at me like I had grown a second head.

"What the hell are you doing with about an ounce of weed Emmett? You know we are vampires and can't get high right?"

"Well duh, Jasper, I know that, but I was thinking..."

"Oh God, nothing good really ever comes of that."

"Ha ha...anyways, like I said, I was thinking, what if we could get Bella to smoke this and get high, and then you use your power and spread the highness from her to us?"

Jasper sat back on the couch. He stared off into space for a minute before a sly smile crossed his features.

"You know, that just might me crazy enough to actually work," he finally replied "But what about Edward?"

"Don't worry about Edward, he went with Carlisle to that medical convention thing remember? And plus he can't really blame us, I mean we basically missed out on the whole point of the 1960's. It is only fair that we get this second chance."

"Your right dude, your right. Let's smoke us some weed!...well sort of."

* * *

"No, Absolutely not."Bella stated after Jasper and I proposed our plan to her.

"Oh come on Bella," Jasper pleaded "It's just a little weed, and Emmett and I really want you to experience your humanity before it's gone"

"Seriously Jasper, you want me to experience my humanity by getting stoned with you guys?"

"Well...yeah," I chimed in.

"I don't know you guys...Edward would flip if he found out."

"Which is why he not going to find out," Jasper said.

Bella's face became twisted. I could tell she was starting to give in, she just needed one more push.

"Plus I bet you didn't know this, but Edward used to smoke weed when he was human," I lied.

Bella looked at me skeptically.

"Really?" she asked.

Both Jasper and I nodded our heads in agreement, even though it was a total lie.

Bella suddenly looked angry.

"I can't believe he wouldn't tell me about that," she muttered to her self.

"So?" Jasper and I asked.

She looked at both of us with a determined look on her face, "Alright boys, whose got the papers?"

* * *

30 minutes later

My mind felt like mush. I was melting. We were sprawled out on the sofa, except for Bella, who was lying on the floor. Her and Jasper were talking about some nonsense I couldn't comprehend at the moment.

"So, Miley and Hannah are one person?" Jasper said with awe.

"Yep," Bella replied.

"And the Jonas Brothers...?"

"Yeah, they're brothers."

"How about Salena Gomez?"

"Not a real wizard Jazz."

"You're breaking my heart, Bells."

"Sorry Jazz."

We laid in the living room for about 45 minutes. There was bits and pieces of conversations, but I couldn't really talk, or move, I was just content with being a big blob. We were all so chill and it was nice until...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOIN- woha"

Alice walked into the room. The girls must have been back from hunting.

None of us responded.

"Jasper," Alice started, completely calm "what, what is this?"

Jasper grabbed Alice and pulled her on top of him.

"This is the 1960's, babe."

All poor Alice could do was lean into Jasper and enjoy the high he was radiating.

Esme and Rose came in next and had similar reactions. Soon, almost the entire family was in the living room completely stoned out of their ever loving minds. The conversations began to drift again.

"Hey Bella," Alice slurred lazily.

"Yeah?"

"I just had a vision."

"Uh huh?"

"Edward is gonna be back in like...now."

Just then the door opened and Edward and Carlisle walked in. We all slowly sat up and looked at them. They looked back and suddenly I, and everyone else in the room, was filled with some sort of trippy paranoia.

"Edward," Bella started as she staggered to her feet "Edward, I can explain..."

Edward cut her off "Don't worry about it Bella, I mean I smoked my fair share back in the day."

Jasper and I just looked at each other...Edward the pothead...who would have thunk?

**Short? I know. But it's all I had. Hope you liked it. And for those who don't know their pot trivia pot WAS around during the time when Edward was alive and was legal. Thanks for reading.**

**Love, **

**Kat  
**


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